The more we complain, the more likely we are to keep complaining.
We can do better and I wanted to prove it. Enter the No Complaining challenge, a team exercise in which you put a bracelet on your right wrist, And every time you consciously catch yourself complaining, you switch wrists. The goal isto elevate our self-awareness and minimize or eliminate the tendency to complain.
I naively went into the week thinking: “I write and speak about mindset and positive psychology and I am gonna sail through this.”
Fast forward to 8:10 a.m. on Monday morning. As we were talking, my business manager looked at me and said, “That was a complaint, wasn’t it?” I didn’t even realize I was doing it. It was an unconscious thought — I simply defaulted into that energy and communication. Going through that “No Complaining” week created new levels of awareness in my communication and how I was showing up.
Not complaining turned out to be so much harder than I anticipated. Read on to learn a bit about the science behind why we complain, how to conduct your own No Complaining challenge, and a few of the tactics that worked for me as I retrained my brain to show up in a more positive way.
Why We Love to Complain
Not complaining is challenging for all of us, and there’s research to back this up. According to Dr. Travis Bradberry, co-founder of TalentSmart, we complain once a minute during a normal conversation. And the more we complain, the more likely we are to continue doing it.
“Repeated complaining rewires your brain to make future complaining more likely,” Bradberry says. “Over time, you find it’s easier to be negative than to be positive, regardless of what’s happening around you.”
So why don’t we just stop complaining? There are a few reasons identified by research.
We’re all trying to get our point across, understand each other and form connections. Complaining can help us do those things — sometimes. Research suggests that lighthearted complaining can help people across teams form bonds. We experience this in our personal lives, too. How many times have you been talking with a friend and found yourself joking about something you both don’t like. Complaining can reveal common ground in limited doses.
Another productive form of complaining is to voice our frustrations or disappointments instead of bottling up our feelings. By naming the problem, we can start to process our feelings and refocus on solutions.
Finally, sometimes we need to point out something that’s wrong or broken. This type of complaining sheds light on problems and offers valuable feedback for leaders who are willing to listen.
However, chronic complaining can quickly become a bad habit. Repetitive, aimless complaining doesn’t surface problems to solve. Instead, it perpetuates them, reinforces negativity and leaves us stuck in a cycle where nothing gets better.
Complaining also takes time away from better things we could be doing. Think about how much time you spend complaining in a given week. Studies suggest many of us spend 10 or more hours each month complaining — time we could be spending finding solutions, lifting people up or any number of other activities.
Complaining can be useful as a way to quickly vent, then move on. But complaining can keep us stuck in those negative feelings. Too much time listening to other people’s complaints can get you going, too.
Finally, complaining can make your situation feel worse than it is. Instead of seeing opportunities or silver linings, all you see is an intractable problem. This dampens your energy, harms your morale and keeps you stuck in the problem. When you feel like that, you have yet another thing to complain about. And the cycle begins again.
How to Design Your Own No Complaining Challenge
I described my team’s version of the No Complaining challenge earlier. The idea dates back to the Rev. Will Bowen, who described complaining as “a virus” that spreads from person to person.
Bowen’s challenge goes like this:
- Place a purple bracelet on one wrist.
- Leave it there, unless you complain. Then, move the bracelet to the other wrist. Repeat each time you catch yourself complaining.
- You can use substitutes, such as a rubber band or putting a stone or coin in your pocket.
- Change wrists if you point out another person complaining. A complaint is a complaint, even when it’s constructive.
- The goal is to keep the bracelet on one wrist for 21 consecutive days — the time required to break old habits and create new ones.
- Bowen estimated that winning this No Complaining challenge could take several months.
As Bowen explained, by consciously switching the bracelet to your other wrist, you create greater self-awareness of your thoughts and speech.
The Tim Ferriss version of the challenge includes a significant change: You’re allowed to point out someone else’s complaint. Ferriss also simplifies the definition of a complaint: “describing an event or person negatively without indicating next steps to fix the problem.”
Other versions of this challenge change the length of time. Instead of 21 days, the challenge might be one week, 14 days or even 30 days. The No Complaining challenge can be difficult, as I found out on Day 1, and so you might want to ease yourself into it.
4 Ways to Break the Complaining Habit
When your employees see leadership complaining, they see that behavior being modeled as acceptable. That doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge problems or shortcomings. But it’s how you talk about problems, challenges or obstacles that matters.
Try these tactics to more consciously show up and be a positive force for yourself and the people around you.
Look for the Opportunity
It’s quite common to simply be in reaction to change, adversity, challenge and circumstances beyond our control. It’s common to be overwhelmed, frustrated and anxious, even losing control of our emotions. The growth is in the ability to pause, reflect and respond intentionally.
When I catch myself moving into reaction, I try and consider: “Where’s the opportunity? What can I learn from this? How can I grow from this? And how am I going to show up in this moment? It pays to be acutely aware of the impact our presence has on others.
Develop Rituals and Routines
The best way to start managing your time is at the beginning of your day. Create routines, whether they involve exercising, meditating, journaling, reading, spending time with your kids, or organizing your day. The important thing is that you do the inner work.
For example, if your morning routine is intentional — and positive — it will put you in the right mindset. The exact activities can vary by person. Some like to exercise; others like to meditate. But pick something you can dedicate yourself to, no matter what else is going on in your life or where you happen to be that day.
When you ground yourself in productive routines, you can show up better. And when you show up better, you’re less prone to complaining when things don’t go exactly as you planned.
Serve Others and Lift Them Up
I’ve told the story of Lily at the airport Starbucks, who lifted me up and made my Christmas Eve better because she showed up determined to “pour happiness” into everyone she encountered..
When faced with adversity or less-than-ideal circumstances, one way to redirect yourself from complaining is to look at the opportunity to serve others. Where can you contribute? It helps to take the attention off of yourself and place it where you can make a meaningful difference.
Play From Here
Accept the circumstances. Bad things happen. Things happen that aren’t fair. We make mistakes. Complaining changes absolutely nothing. So feel your emotions and simply let them go.
Another way to move forward is to apply the principle of “disagree and commit.” If something happens that you’re unhappy with, voice your opinion and offer alternatives. But once the decision is made or the moment has passed, you can’t change anything. Further griping doesn’t help you or the team.
The next time you find yourself or your team complaining on autopilot, take a pause. Consider how you’re showing up. You can do a full-on No Complaining challenge like I did. Or you can simply make time for self-reflection. Look at how you communicate, where you find yourself complaining and how you can redirect yourself to better communication, connection, energy and presence.
